Why would you do this?

Yeah I know now how, in my psyche, I gauge whether or not I am precious to someone I love, and to what extent…or maybe that’s a mechanism I have found that works for me but this also got me thinking about the fact that if I am, as a woman so precious to the one I love then how or why would he hurt me?

Being women we often give so much of ourselves without really calculating the extent of our giving that we oftentimes do not see that what we are giving is not just love…we are giving away our own self…piece by piece... A woman who knows no other way of living but this…she walks this earth for the man she loves…that woman is at times physically beaten up and brutally so by the very same man…and still she goes on loving him…is she stupid or is something else at play here, I think I’ll figure out later…but the one question that’s nagging me is what makes a man do that?

Sensible, intelligent, educated and worldly wise men, corporate successful guys…go home, get drunk and beat up their wives. At times they beat up their wives even without an excuse of having had alcohol. Some of these men, young, outgoing…who know their way around the social and the corporate world…abuse their girlfriends. At times physically and other times emotionally. What makes a man do that?

I am no authority on male psychology or psychology per se that I can figure it out by analyzing a few sample cases. The way I see it, is that a man who can fall to the levels of degrading his woman to this extent has of course taken some form of a beating in the world outside the realm of his own home…a man so possessed by self degrading complexes that he knows only one way of proving to himself that he is worth a lot more than the world gives him credit for, and that way is by showing his power over another human being. Who better than the one woman who is more than willing to give up her entire life to be with him? Who better than the woman who lives every moment of her life to make him happy…she cooks the food he likes, wears the clothes he likes, listens to the music he likes, meets the people he likes, reads the books he recommends, loves his parents as her own…socializes with his friends for he likes it…(what happened to her friends, her family?)…well, obviously she best qualifies for the benign gift!!!

They may have dual or multi personality disorders…but such men who on the face of it appear so calm, so gentle…at times can have such animals hidden inside of them, animals that surface in their weakest of moments. Moments when they are actually deluding themselves of being powerful…of having the power to rule the world…no one…absolutely no one can question their authority…that’s when they turn into brutal woman beating animals.

Some people I have noticed need to make all others around them appear small in order to feel bigger themselves …be it at work or in a social set up…those people resort to this form of dominion also…for they feel the woman will “understand” especially for after such an episode the very same man goes begging forgiveness of her…and yeah, she does forgive him. In fact for a period of time, at times this period lasts a lifetime, at others a few years (if she’s lucky) she even makes excuses for his behavior…not just to the world, provided it gets to know, but even to herself…until the day the scars appear to be ugly even to herself. That day she chooses to say her piece.

And on this day begins yet another episode of the story. To begin with, the man would often not believe that this is the same woman who he for all these years thought was ever understanding…one who would never realize how much and in what ways he’s abused her…a woman he thought did not even have a voice or if she did, she would never be able to raise it against him. And the moment he realizes she means what she’s saying, that this time round she’s genuinely hurting and this time round it’s not an emotional tantrum, his cries of helplessness and of needing her help and forgiveness begin. His tears that show how much he loves her, flow ever so profusely…as he tries to hold her hand but her fingers slip out of his grasp and quietly, she walks away.

If only he’d known earlier…the price, the loss…maybe he doesn’t care…maybe he does…

Angels of Evolution

Angels of evolution….am using a title of a write up from one of the authors of a popular guide to a great life kind of a person…the new age gurus…am not good at reading this kind of a book …don’t have the patience for it…but something caught my eye and I read through the article this morning in the newspaper…

Somehow, it made sense to me…for it re assured me of one fact…that everything in our lives, especially the tough and the bad…the harsh and the cruel only makes us better as a human being…we grow…we evolve…we learn…to live…better. Yeah it would be inhuman to say or even think that when your heart breaks you don’t hurt…you do…we all do…and it hurts like hell….you are in a state where nothing and no one makes sense. How you go about it, is to me a process…a technique. Initially, you cry, you’re angry, you’re full of self pity and worse you are filled with self doubts…until you realize that life has to move on…and you have no option but to do that…move on. Its then that I find my technique working…like in a training programme…you at first put all the sad thoughts aside…you cannot delete them or so I feel…you barely manage to put them aside and replace them with more positive ones…then it becomes a programmed response and someday, it doesn’t matter anymore… for nothing and no one is irreplaceable…everybody is…and once that happens, you somehow know that you have moved on and you are a much better much stronger person…

Through this journey what you fight is bitterness, cynicism, self pity, self doubt and so much more that’s painful…but all these incidents are painful but they are in the truest form…Angels of Evolution…ours…our physical, mental and most importantly emotional. They teach us the process of growth…beyond what we consider love, beyond the feeling that something or someone is so much more important to us than everything else including our own aspirations our own soul.

These unknown, unexpected and painful beings or spirits are not mere accidents of fate or destiny. They are truly our own Angels of evolution. Someday when the darkness is gone, we see it…until then...its mere angst...

burn marks or a badge of honour

You do..all the time...all your lives...you give in to this innate desire to give. Times much more that what is deserved, much more than what your intelligence is telling you to...you give. This probably is the sole reason why you come across this disillusionment...and suddenly you wake upto reality and find nothing but ashes in the palm of your hand...for what's burnt out is so much deeper than your dreams, your ambitions, the commitments...what's burnt out is your soul, your own creative spirit.

Its when this awakening happens you realise that regardless of what you desired you have no way of going forward onto the path that you had believed yourself or were led to believe, was your path...the darkness that then descends onto your thinking feeling self is what your instincts were warning you about. And yet this unwavering faith in the world or your own capacty to deal with it makes you keep at it. For years. What you're then left questioning thereon is your own faith...wonder if it was worth it...wonder if this faith was ever so deserving.

You look back at the moments of being beaten up, physically as well as emotionally and you look at the burn scars that have marred your physical self as well as your soul and realise that the burn mark you carry on your being, is no badge of honour, no guarantee of everlasting devotion...its merely a mark of what you as a human being had given up wilfully. The physical scars often hurt...even years after they have been bestowed upon you...and the pain then seeps through your being, especially so in those dark moments when the embers are burning through the palm of your hand. You tend to give not because it is your damned duty to or that you were expected to...but because you chose to do it this way...again the damn faith :)....until the embers begin to hurt...so much that you jerk away your hand and run to find what truly belongs to you...your soul, your own spirit.

That's a dark journey for there is no illuminati there to guide you through that path, no super heroes there protecting you, saving you, often times even from your self...its a lonely journey. But somewhere deep down in your heart you know you have the strength to take it on...