Why would you do this?

Yeah I know now how, in my psyche, I gauge whether or not I am precious to someone I love, and to what extent…or maybe that’s a mechanism I have found that works for me but this also got me thinking about the fact that if I am, as a woman so precious to the one I love then how or why would he hurt me?

Being women we often give so much of ourselves without really calculating the extent of our giving that we oftentimes do not see that what we are giving is not just love…we are giving away our own self…piece by piece... A woman who knows no other way of living but this…she walks this earth for the man she loves…that woman is at times physically beaten up and brutally so by the very same man…and still she goes on loving him…is she stupid or is something else at play here, I think I’ll figure out later…but the one question that’s nagging me is what makes a man do that?

Sensible, intelligent, educated and worldly wise men, corporate successful guys…go home, get drunk and beat up their wives. At times they beat up their wives even without an excuse of having had alcohol. Some of these men, young, outgoing…who know their way around the social and the corporate world…abuse their girlfriends. At times physically and other times emotionally. What makes a man do that?

I am no authority on male psychology or psychology per se that I can figure it out by analyzing a few sample cases. The way I see it, is that a man who can fall to the levels of degrading his woman to this extent has of course taken some form of a beating in the world outside the realm of his own home…a man so possessed by self degrading complexes that he knows only one way of proving to himself that he is worth a lot more than the world gives him credit for, and that way is by showing his power over another human being. Who better than the one woman who is more than willing to give up her entire life to be with him? Who better than the woman who lives every moment of her life to make him happy…she cooks the food he likes, wears the clothes he likes, listens to the music he likes, meets the people he likes, reads the books he recommends, loves his parents as her own…socializes with his friends for he likes it…(what happened to her friends, her family?)…well, obviously she best qualifies for the benign gift!!!

They may have dual or multi personality disorders…but such men who on the face of it appear so calm, so gentle…at times can have such animals hidden inside of them, animals that surface in their weakest of moments. Moments when they are actually deluding themselves of being powerful…of having the power to rule the world…no one…absolutely no one can question their authority…that’s when they turn into brutal woman beating animals.

Some people I have noticed need to make all others around them appear small in order to feel bigger themselves …be it at work or in a social set up…those people resort to this form of dominion also…for they feel the woman will “understand” especially for after such an episode the very same man goes begging forgiveness of her…and yeah, she does forgive him. In fact for a period of time, at times this period lasts a lifetime, at others a few years (if she’s lucky) she even makes excuses for his behavior…not just to the world, provided it gets to know, but even to herself…until the day the scars appear to be ugly even to herself. That day she chooses to say her piece.

And on this day begins yet another episode of the story. To begin with, the man would often not believe that this is the same woman who he for all these years thought was ever understanding…one who would never realize how much and in what ways he’s abused her…a woman he thought did not even have a voice or if she did, she would never be able to raise it against him. And the moment he realizes she means what she’s saying, that this time round she’s genuinely hurting and this time round it’s not an emotional tantrum, his cries of helplessness and of needing her help and forgiveness begin. His tears that show how much he loves her, flow ever so profusely…as he tries to hold her hand but her fingers slip out of his grasp and quietly, she walks away.

If only he’d known earlier…the price, the loss…maybe he doesn’t care…maybe he does…

How precious am I?

How precious are you? How do you get to know that…how important am I to the one person who is most precious to me? That’s the simplest one to my mind now, well, now that I know the difference…

Remember how carefully locked away you keep that one rock of a diamond that you saved up all your life to buy? Or that gadget that you bought online after very careful consideration or that camera that you asked a million friends, even posted a query on facebook to check if you’re buying the right thing…and that crystal that you never let your nails touch for fear of scratching it? You carefully wipe the dust off the crystal and enjoy the light shining through it in all its multi colored hues…this makes you smile to yourself…and if you’ve been blessed…when you held your new born for the first time and each time you hold her…you hold her ever so gently. And, your heart skips a beat when someone asks to hold her while you finish up your chores…you wrap her up in the softest of sheets so her skin does not touch anything any less…you hold her so gently…warm in your arms…you run your fingers on her soft body as she gurgles…as you massage her soft skin with the most gentle of oils off the market shelf…that’s the memory that becomes a part of your soul...

And then you go through life with its many twists and turns…relationships, bitter - sweet, memories that make you cry…make you smile…and every time your life takes a turn, the question how precious am i?

If you value a crystal, a book that’s a classic or a painting that you created years ago with such care then how can you treat your love otherwise? If you’ve gone through life looking for that one soul that’s part of your being and the one person whose memory makes you smile at how she does the little things that she knows would make you happy…if all she wants is to be in your arms…is not looking for any tall promises…not looking for any big dreams…when all her world is right there in your arms…the moment you walk into her home her life…it’s almost as her world shrinks into that tiny little cottage…then how can you treat her otherwise? Why wouldn’t you hold her gently in your arms and want to protect her from the dust and the grime? Why wouldn’t you love her like she is the most precious thing on this earth to you? Would you ever in your worst moments be able to damage her being, be it physically or emotionally? Wouldn’t you do all in your power to preserve that spirit that makes yours soar? Wouldn’t you hold her and touch her ever so gently so her skin doesn’t get scathed? Wouldn’t you run your hands on her body with as much reverence as you feel when you’re standing in the rain getting cleansed and your soul released…as you see the tiny droplets of dew slipping off a new born leaf?

That’s the only way I know how precious I am to the one soul that I belong to…emotionally and physically…when I feel preserved and protected…when I am not scared of a scar that will keep haunting me for the rest of my life…that’s how precious I am…that’s how I know...the difference.